Here's Babylon Bee's headline today:
Grand Jury Canceled As DA Unable To
Find Any Jurors
Awesome Enough To Be Trump's Peers
NEW YORK, NY — The indictment of Trump by Alvin Bragg is in disarray this morning after the Manhattan DA was unable to find enough grand jurists awesome enough to be legally considered Trump's peers. . . .
And another headline, also at the Babylon Bee:
Trump To Be Indicted For Removing
Mattress Tag In 1997
Check out the BB website here.
# # #
AOC Proposes Nationwide Ban On Straws
After Learning Trump
Won Straw Poll
WASHINGTON, DC — Following former
President Donald Trump's overwhelming victory in CPAC's straw poll for the 2024
Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria
Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on
the use of straws.
"This poll shows straws are a
threat to our democracy!" Ocasio-Cortez said in a statement to the media.
"If straws are supporting Donald Trump and his dangerous ‘MAGA' movement,
then they have no business being in public circulation, let alone voting for
President!"
"Plus, they outnumber humans,
like, 2 to 1. That's scary!"
The straw poll, conducted at the
annual Conservative Political Action Conference, showed Trump garnering a
commanding 60% of the votes cast. This resulted in immediate calls from
Democrats to subject straws to even heavier regulation. . . .
And the closer:
At publishing time, AOC had been
seen at a local coffee shop gluing herself to a straw in protest.
Source here.
# # #
The Babylon Bee posted this the other day:
U.S. Retaliates For Chinese Spy Balloon
By Releasing Spy Inflatable Flailing Arm Tube Man
From the BB “report”:
Sources say the inflatable arm tube
man has infiltrated the highest levels of President Xi's cabinet, having
charmed countless government officials with its silly wiggling and waving. The
U.S. intelligence community hopes to glean valuable intel about China's plan to
take over the entire world which they will then do nothing about.
RELATED at SlayNews: Frank Bergman: “Bill Gates Calls for America to ‘Tone Down the Rhetoric’ over China Threat”
And the Babylon Bee is on it:
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today,
Republicans in Congress are gathering to vote for their preferred politician
who will let the voters down over the next two years.
"This is an honorable
tradition, where we come together as team players to choose the one man who
will most effectively preserve our power while doing the opposite of everything
we promised our voters and spending trillions of dollars," said Rep. Dan
Crenshaw. "Anyone who opposes our pick is anti-American!"
At publishing time, Republicans had
considered just electing a Democrat Speaker of the House since there isn't much
difference anyway.
Source link for the “report” is here.
# # #
The Babylon Bee always cheers things up a bit:
Sad: Climate Activists Vandalize A Jackson
Pollock
But No One Notices
PARIS — According to experts in
neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson
Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.
"The painting in
question, Number 31, was one of the most celebrated Pollock works,"
said an authority investigating the crime. "But now it just looks like a
bunch of splattered paint any moron could create, which really isn't much
different than how it looked before."
. . .
Enjoy the rest of the satire here.
# # #
The Babylon Bee has obtained a partially unredacted page of the FBI’s affidavit justifying the raid on Mar-a-Lago:
Yesterday, The Babylon Bee knocked another one out of the park:
Democrats Argue That Clarence
Thomas
Should Only Have 3/5 Of A Vote
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in D.C.
have lashed out at Justice Clarence Thomas following his vote to overturn Roe
v. Wade, arguing that he should only get 3/5 of a vote in the Supreme Court.
"This is an illegitimate
vote!" shouted AOC to protesters gathered in front of the Supreme Court
Building. "Three Justices lied during their appointment hearings—so their
votes don't count—and Clarence Thomas should only get 3/5 of a vote. That means
Roe was overturned by a vote of 3 to 2 3/5! That's crazy!"
Democrats say they are proposing
this historic compromise to restore public trust in the Supreme Court. They
argue that since Clarence Thomas is bad, he should have 2/5ths of his vote
removed.
"This is what must be done to
restore confidence in our democracy," said Senator Chuck Schumer.
At publishing time, Sen Elizabeth
Warren had fallen uncharacteristically quiet on the issue. According to
sources, she's concerned someone will bring up her Native American heritage and
she'll lose a vote in the senate.
A brief summary of the "3/5 compromise," as recited in the US
Constitution, is here.
# # #
Brett Kavanaugh Unveils Updated Supreme
Court Robe
WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court
Justice Brett Kavanaugh made a splash in the fashion world Wednesday as he
unveiled a new Kevlar judicial robe made by Atomic Defense. A spokesman
confirmed the new robe was totally unrelated to recent threats made upon the
justice’s life in the wake of an upcoming ruling on abortion rights.
. . .
In addition to a stylish, slimming
look, Kavanaugh’s robe comes with three articulated blast plates, a shockproof
helmet and visor, and a zoned armor system guaranteed to meet or exceed current
zonal fragmentation protection standards.
. . .
In unrelated news, Kavanaugh
confirmed that his family would be moving from their current home in Chevy
Chase, MD to an abandoned underground missile silo somewhere in the Midwest in
order to pursue their family dream of not being murdered in their sleep.
The rest of the text is here.
# # #
From the newspaper of record (Babylon Bee):
Miley Cyrus To Perform Halftime Show At Jan. 6 Committee Hearings
WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation is
abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its
prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET. To top off the excitement of the House select
committee's investigation, producers of the star-studded extravaganza have
announced that Miley Cyrus will be the featured performer during the hearing's
halftime show. . . .
The wrecking ball is so à propos. Visit the Babylon Bee here for the rest of the "news."
# # #
Image credit: Babylon Bee
Michael Young is a visiting fellow at the Center for
Renewing America. His article in Tablet Mag explores the hazards and risks to
our freedoms in the age of Big Tech and consolidated banking systems. It’s not pretty, and he concludes:
What happens when a government is
no longer required to do the very difficult, friction-filled work of finding
people, writing tickets, arresting them, charging them, granting them due
process, obtaining convictions, and jailing the guilty? When the government can
bring a person’s practical participation in society to a standstill with the
push of a button, it becomes silly to even talk about individual rights or due
process. In the face of this new kind of push-button power, exercised at the
whim of the governing party with zero legal oversight, individuals can simply
be deleted from the system—even if, technically speaking, they are never
charged with or convicted of a crime.
. . .
A deeper concern is what happens
when private institutions like corporations, universities, and media exercise
the same power without even the pretense of accountability. If the large
financial institutions want to, they can act as gatekeepers to society and
would be held accountable only by the market, to which they also hold the keys.
Given that institutions are heavily dependent on each other, if the
institutions that hold important positions in the global financial web decide
to freeze someone out, they can do so with the push of a button. Worse yet, we
can imagine a scenario in which a system of freeze-outs could be automated
based on people’s credit scores, purchasing histories, political donation
patterns, key words in social media postings, carbon footprints, or political
activism. It’s not hard to imagine a situation in which a citizen of a democracy
wakes up one day to find themselves unable to participate in the digital
economy, where almost all financial transactions take place, due to an
automated system which flags them as being undesirable in some way.
Corporations and government have
always exercised tremendous power, of course. Government has a monopoly on the
use of force, using the policing powers to enforce laws. Corporations have
always exercised enormous power via market share, advertising, lobbying, and
other financial instruments. But never before have they been able to lock
ordinary citizens out of social participation with the flip of a switch.
This push-button tyranny is real,
and it represents a greater abuse of power than any that has been exercised
before within the boundaries of liberal democratic government. It is new, it is
breathtaking, and it is very dangerous.
Read the entire article here.
The Babylon Bee strikes again:
Trudeau
Orders All Geese Rounded Up
And Shot for Honking in Solidarity with Truckers
OTTAWA—Prime Minister Justin
Trudeau signed an executive order on Friday authorizing the Canadian
Mounted Police to have all geese rounded up and shot for honking in solidarity
with truckers. The "freedom convoy" of truckers has been a thorn
in the tyrannical Canadian government's side since January 29th,
but Trudeau and his cabinet are confident that annihilating avian support
will demoralize the truckers and send them packing.
Mounties began chasing geese on
Saturday, following them around with burlap sacks and wacky oversized nets.
Captured geese are being blindfolded, lined up, and shot—sometimes in
mid-honk.
"We now view the Canadian
Goose as an enemy of the state," said Trudeau in a statement over Zoom.
"If you see something, say something. We must end this fascist honking
once and for all."
. . .
More fun here.
# # #
You have nothing to lose but your chains! The Babylon Bee strikes again:
OTTAWA—Socialists around the world
are condemning the trucker freedom protest in Canada as the working class
unites to defend their human rights.
"When workers of the world
unite against overbearing government mandates, that's literal fascism,"
said a sobbing socialist Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from deep within his
top-secret bunker underneath Washington, D.C. "True, compassionate
socialism is when the government partners with private corporations to force
experimental drugs on the populace and threaten their very livelihoods if they
don't. Everyone knows that."
According to sources, socialists
were initially thrilled by the trucker convoy, as they had mistaken it for a
bread line. To their dismay, they soon found out that it was a toxic freedom
march organized by the working class against the Canadian bourgeois.
. . .
Read the rest here. Good fun.
# # #
The Babylon Bee nails it again:
SCOTUS Rules Healthcare Workers
Are The Only People Who Can't Make Decisions
About Their Own Health
In a landmark ruling, the U.S.
Supreme Court has determined that Biden's vaccine mandate for private
businesses is unconstitutional. However, in a split decision, they also
determined that healthcare workers are the only ones who should not be allowed
to make decisions about their own health.
"Healthcare workers have no
idea what they're talking about when it comes to important healthcare
decisions. They aren't smart like us," said the group of judges that
includes people like Sotomayor, in a ruling in favor of a Federal Government
that includes people like Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. "The personal
health choices of healthcare workers should be left to people more qualified,
like us."
The decision was made based on the
timeless legal principle that if the government pays for your healthcare, they
own your body, mind, and soul for all eternity.
Citing this new victory, the Biden
administration is looking into other things it can mandate for healthcare
workers, such as abortions, sex changes, and maybe some warmer
stethoscopes.
Source: click here.
# # #
The Newspaper of Record, The Babylon Bee has good wishes for us all in 2022:
Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support
Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano
And Happy New Year to all:
The headline at The Daily Mail:
Biden congratulates
Big Bird
for pushing COVID vaccine for kids
after Ted Cruz called it 'propaganda
for
your five-year-old'
And here’s the response from The Babylon Bee:
Oscar The Grouch Refuses The Vaccine,
Stocks Up On Ivermectin
The Bee’s report includes the following:
Oscar the Grouch, who often listens
to Joe Rogan without earbuds—inflicting the podcast on whoever is near his
trashcan—has instead stocked up on Ivermectin—the preferable way for a grouch
to treat COVID-19. “Yeah, you sheeple line the pockets of Pfizer while the
vaccine does who-knows-what to you,” said Oscar. “Me, I’ll be here with my
alternative treatments, being perfectly healthy and perfectly grouchy.”
Click here for the rest of the fun.
# # #
Dr John at Flopping Aces reports that “Hunter Biden Opens A Gofundme account," and here’s the opening illustration:
And here’s the nub of the article:
I remember Biden not cutting Trump
any slack for the economy suffering under COVID and I’ll be damned if I am
going to cut Biden any slack for Delta. He deserves nothing but scorn.
He’s in trouble and his handlers
know it. So they’ve decided to open an unconventional GoFundMe account for
Hunter. It goes under the name of the Georges Berges Gallery and it is funded
through the sales of [Hunter's] paintings.
Cartoonist Michael P. Ramirez published another winner at TownHall:
# # #
Why is the government so desperate to have everyone vaccinated? The Aug 20 headline at Daily Caller:
REPORT: FDA Working To Fully Approve
Pfizer COVID-19 Vaccine By Monday
By Monday? How can any
long-term consequences have been fully tested in the short-term?
At least Babylon Bee keeps its sense of humor:
'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced
# # #
Via @clevelanddotcom on Twitchy, Indians hit a snag with name change to Guardians
Problem Solved: Cleveland Indians Mascot Replaced
By Apu From The Simpsons
# # #
Following up on yesterday's blog "Don't Open The Door" when the HHS people show up to give you your vaccine jab, here's the latest from Babylon Bee:
Popular New Ejection Porch Automatically Launches
Vaccine Evangelists Into The Stratosphere
