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Showing posts with label Babylon Bee. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Babylon Bee. Show all posts

Thursday, March 23, 2023

Babylon Bee: 2 headlines today

 


Here's Babylon Bee's headline today:

Grand Jury Canceled As DA Unable To Find Any Jurors
Awesome Enough To Be Trump's Peers

NEW YORK, NY — The indictment of Trump by Alvin Bragg is in disarray this morning after the Manhattan DA was unable to find enough grand jurists awesome enough to be legally considered Trump's peers. . . .

And another headline, also at the Babylon Bee:

Trump To Be Indicted For Removing Mattress Tag In 1997

Check out the BB website here.

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Tuesday, March 7, 2023

AOC on CPAC Straw Poll

 


Babylon Bee’s headline:

AOC Proposes Nationwide Ban On Straws
 After Learning Trump Won Straw Poll

WASHINGTON, DC — Following former President Donald Trump's overwhelming victory in CPAC's straw poll for the 2024 Republican presidential nomination, New York Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez has proposed legislation that would impose a nationwide ban on the use of straws.

"This poll shows straws are a threat to our democracy!" Ocasio-Cortez said in a statement to the media. "If straws are supporting Donald Trump and his dangerous ‘MAGA' movement, then they have no business being in public circulation, let alone voting for President!"

"Plus, they outnumber humans, like, 2 to 1. That's scary!"

The straw poll, conducted at the annual Conservative Political Action Conference, showed Trump garnering a commanding 60% of the votes cast. This resulted in immediate calls from Democrats to subject straws to even heavier regulation. . . .

And the closer:

At publishing time, AOC had been seen at a local coffee shop gluing herself to a straw in protest.

Source here

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Sunday, February 12, 2023

Tube Man infiltrates President Xi's cabinet

The Babylon Bee posted this the other day:

U.S. Retaliates For Chinese Spy Balloon
By Releasing Spy Inflatable Flailing Arm Tube Man

From the BB “report”:

Sources say the inflatable arm tube man has infiltrated the highest levels of President Xi's cabinet, having charmed countless government officials with its silly wiggling and waving. The U.S. intelligence community hopes to glean valuable intel about China's plan to take over the entire world which they will then do nothing about.

RELATED at SlayNews:   Frank Bergman:  Bill Gates Calls for America to ‘Tone Down the Rhetoric’ over China Threat

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Tuesday, January 3, 2023

The Clown Show Continues

 

And the Babylon Bee is on it:

Republicans Gather In Congress To Vote On
Who Will Fail The Voters This Time

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, Republicans in Congress are gathering to vote for their preferred politician who will let the voters down over the next two years.

"This is an honorable tradition, where we come together as team players to choose the one man who will most effectively preserve our power while doing the opposite of everything we promised our voters and spending trillions of dollars," said Rep. Dan Crenshaw. "Anyone who opposes our pick is anti-American!"

At publishing time, Republicans had considered just electing a Democrat Speaker of the House since there isn't much difference anyway.

Source link for the “report” is here.

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Tuesday, October 18, 2022

Babylon Bee: Climate activists at it again

The Babylon Bee always cheers things up a bit: 



Sad: Climate Activists Vandalize A Jackson Pollock
But No One Notices

PARIS — According to experts in neoclassical art and surrealism, a piece by the legendary artist Jackson Pollock was vandalized by climate activists in Paris and no one even noticed.

"The painting in question, Number 31, was one of the most celebrated Pollock works," said an authority investigating the crime. "But now it just looks like a bunch of splattered paint any moron could create, which really isn't much different than how it looked before."

. . .

Enjoy the rest of the satire here.

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Saturday, August 27, 2022

The Redacted Affidavit

The Babylon Bee has obtained a partially unredacted page of the FBI’s affidavit justifying the raid on Mar-a-Lago:


click to embiggen
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Tuesday, June 28, 2022

Babylon Bee on Justice Clarence Thomas’s vote

 


Yesterday, The Babylon Bee knocked another one out of the park:

Democrats Argue That Clarence Thomas
Should Only Have 3/5 Of A Vote

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Democrats in D.C. have lashed out at Justice Clarence Thomas following his vote to overturn Roe v. Wade, arguing that he should only get 3/5 of a vote in the Supreme Court.

"This is an illegitimate vote!" shouted AOC to protesters gathered in front of the Supreme Court Building. "Three Justices lied during their appointment hearings—so their votes don't count—and Clarence Thomas should only get 3/5 of a vote. That means Roe was overturned by a vote of 3 to 2 3/5! That's crazy!"

Democrats say they are proposing this historic compromise to restore public trust in the Supreme Court. They argue that since Clarence Thomas is bad, he should have 2/5ths of his vote removed.

"This is what must be done to restore confidence in our democracy," said Senator Chuck Schumer.

At publishing time, Sen Elizabeth Warren had fallen uncharacteristically quiet on the issue. According to sources, she's concerned someone will bring up her Native American heritage and she'll lose a vote in the senate.

A brief summary of the "3/5 compromise," as recited in the US Constitution, is here


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Wednesday, June 15, 2022

Justice Brett Kavanaugh: fashion trend-setter


Their motto: "Fake News You Can Trust."  The Babylon Bee knocks it out of the park again:

Brett Kavanaugh Unveils Updated Supreme Court Robe

WASHINGTON, D.C.—Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh made a splash in the fashion world Wednesday as he unveiled a new Kevlar judicial robe made by Atomic Defense. A spokesman confirmed the new robe was totally unrelated to recent threats made upon the justice’s life in the wake of an upcoming ruling on abortion rights. 

. . .

In addition to a stylish, slimming look, Kavanaugh’s robe comes with three articulated blast plates, a shockproof helmet and visor, and a zoned armor system guaranteed to meet or exceed current zonal fragmentation protection standards. 

. . .

In unrelated news, Kavanaugh confirmed that his family would be moving from their current home in Chevy Chase, MD to an abandoned underground missile silo somewhere in the Midwest in order to pursue their family dream of not being murdered in their sleep.  

The rest of the text is here.  

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Thursday, June 9, 2022

Announced: J6 hearing halftime Show!

From the newspaper of record (Babylon Bee):

Miley Cyrus To Perform Halftime Show At Jan. 6 Committee Hearings

WASHINGTON, D.C.—The nation is abuzz with anticipation of the televised January 6 Committee hearing making its prime time debut at 8 p.m. ET. To top off the excitement of the House select committee's investigation, producers of the star-studded extravaganza have announced that Miley Cyrus will be the featured performer during the hearing's halftime show. . . .

The wrecking ball is so à propos.  Visit the Babylon Bee here for the rest of the "news."

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Friday, March 25, 2022

We Will Delete You

 

  Image credit: Babylon Bee


Michael Young is a visiting fellow at the Center for Renewing America. His article in Tablet Mag explores the hazards and risks to our freedoms in the age of Big Tech and consolidated banking systems.  It’s not pretty, and he concludes:

What happens when a government is no longer required to do the very difficult, friction-filled work of finding people, writing tickets, arresting them, charging them, granting them due process, obtaining convictions, and jailing the guilty? When the government can bring a person’s practical participation in society to a standstill with the push of a button, it becomes silly to even talk about individual rights or due process. In the face of this new kind of push-button power, exercised at the whim of the governing party with zero legal oversight, individuals can simply be deleted from the system—even if, technically speaking, they are never charged with or convicted of a crime.

. . .

A deeper concern is what happens when private institutions like corporations, universities, and media exercise the same power without even the pretense of accountability. If the large financial institutions want to, they can act as gatekeepers to society and would be held accountable only by the market, to which they also hold the keys. Given that institutions are heavily dependent on each other, if the institutions that hold important positions in the global financial web decide to freeze someone out, they can do so with the push of a button. Worse yet, we can imagine a scenario in which a system of freeze-outs could be automated based on people’s credit scores, purchasing histories, political donation patterns, key words in social media postings, carbon footprints, or political activism. It’s not hard to imagine a situation in which a citizen of a democracy wakes up one day to find themselves unable to participate in the digital economy, where almost all financial transactions take place, due to an automated system which flags them as being undesirable in some way.

Corporations and government have always exercised tremendous power, of course. Government has a monopoly on the use of force, using the policing powers to enforce laws. Corporations have always exercised enormous power via market share, advertising, lobbying, and other financial instruments. But never before have they been able to lock ordinary citizens out of social participation with the flip of a switch.

This push-button tyranny is real, and it represents a greater abuse of power than any that has been exercised before within the boundaries of liberal democratic government. It is new, it is breathtaking, and it is very dangerous.

Read the entire article here.

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Monday, February 7, 2022

No pardons for honking geese

 


The Babylon Bee strikes again:

Trudeau Orders All Geese Rounded Up
And Shot for Honking in Solidarity with Truckers

OTTAWA—Prime Minister Justin Trudeau signed an executive order on Friday authorizing the Canadian Mounted Police to have all geese rounded up and shot for honking in solidarity with truckers. The "freedom convoy" of truckers has been a thorn in the tyrannical Canadian government's side since January 29th, but Trudeau and his cabinet are confident that annihilating avian support will demoralize the truckers and send them packing.

Mounties began chasing geese on Saturday, following them around with burlap sacks and wacky oversized nets. Captured geese are being blindfolded, lined up, and shot—sometimes in mid-honk. 

"We now view the Canadian Goose as an enemy of the state," said Trudeau in a statement over Zoom. "If you see something, say something. We must end this fascist honking once and for all."

. . .

More fun here.

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Tuesday, February 1, 2022

Socialists Condemn Workers Of The World For Uniting

 


You have nothing to lose but your chains!  The Babylon Bee strikes again:

OTTAWA—Socialists around the world are condemning the trucker freedom protest in Canada as the working class unites to defend their human rights. 

"When workers of the world unite against overbearing government mandates, that's literal fascism," said a sobbing socialist Prime Minister Justin Trudeau from deep within his top-secret bunker underneath Washington, D.C. "True, compassionate socialism is when the government partners with private corporations to force experimental drugs on the populace and threaten their very livelihoods if they don't. Everyone knows that."

According to sources, socialists were initially thrilled by the trucker convoy, as they had mistaken it for a bread line. To their dismay, they soon found out that it was a toxic freedom march organized by the working class against the Canadian bourgeois. 

. . .

Read the rest here.  Good fun. 

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Thursday, January 13, 2022

Healthcare Workers Can't Make Decisions About Their Own Healthcare

 


The Babylon Bee nails it again:

SCOTUS Rules Healthcare Workers
Are The Only People Who Can't Make Decisions
 About Their Own Health

In a landmark ruling, the U.S. Supreme Court has determined that Biden's vaccine mandate for private businesses is unconstitutional. However, in a split decision, they also determined that healthcare workers are the only ones who should not be allowed to make decisions about their own health.

"Healthcare workers have no idea what they're talking about when it comes to important healthcare decisions. They aren't smart like us," said the group of judges that includes people like Sotomayor, in a ruling in favor of a Federal Government that includes people like Joe Biden and Kamala Harris. "The personal health choices of healthcare workers should be left to people more qualified, like us." 

The decision was made based on the timeless legal principle that if the government pays for your healthcare, they own your body, mind, and soul for all eternity. 

Citing this new victory, the Biden administration is looking into other things it can mandate for healthcare workers, such as abortions, sex changes, and maybe some warmer stethoscopes. 

Source: click here

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Friday, December 31, 2021

New Year's Wishes

The Newspaper of Record, The Babylon Bee has good wishes for us all in 2022:

Poll: 9 Out Of 10 Americans Support
Tossing Dr. Fauci In A Volcano



And Happy New Year to all:

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Tuesday, November 9, 2021

Babylon Bee: Oscar The Grouch vs Big Bird

The headline at The Daily Mail:

Biden congratulates Big Bird
 for pushing COVID vaccine for kids
 after Ted Cruz called it 'propaganda
 for your five-year-old'

And here’s the response from The Babylon Bee:

Oscar The Grouch Refuses The Vaccine,
Stocks Up On Ivermectin


The Bee’s report includes the following:

Oscar the Grouch, who often listens to Joe Rogan without earbuds—inflicting the podcast on whoever is near his trashcan—has instead stocked up on Ivermectin—the preferable way for a grouch to treat COVID-19. “Yeah, you sheeple line the pockets of Pfizer while the vaccine does who-knows-what to you,” said Oscar. “Me, I’ll be here with my alternative treatments, being perfectly healthy and perfectly grouchy.”

Click here for the rest of the fun.

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Tuesday, October 12, 2021

Not the Babylon Bee: Hunter Biden's Gofundme account

Dr John at Flopping Aces reports that “Hunter Biden Opens A Gofundme account," and here’s the opening illustration:

And here’s the nub of the article:

I remember Biden not cutting Trump any slack for the economy suffering under COVID and I’ll be damned if I am going to cut Biden any slack for Delta. He deserves nothing but scorn.

He’s in trouble and his handlers know it. So they’ve decided to open an unconventional GoFundMe account for Hunter. It goes under the name of the Georges Berges Gallery and it is funded through the sales of [Hunter's] paintings.

 Read the rest here

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Thursday, September 23, 2021

Setting the Record Straight at the border

Cartoonist Michael P. Ramirez published another winner at TownHall:

Click to embiggen or click on the link above.  And click here for the Babylon Bee's take - which will remind you of a Monty Python scene.

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Friday, August 20, 2021

Pfizer vax: What is the rush at the FDA?

 

Why is the government so desperate to have everyone vaccinated?  The Aug 20 headline at Daily Caller:

REPORT: FDA Working To Fully Approve
Pfizer COVID-19 Vaccine By Monday

By Monday?  How can any long-term consequences have been fully tested in the short-term?  

At least Babylon Bee keeps its sense of humor:

'Pfizer+' Monthly Booster Subscription Program Announced

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Tuesday, July 27, 2021

Indians hit a snag with name change to Guardians

 

Via @clevelanddotcom on  Twitchy, Indians hit a snag with name change to Guardians

There's already a #Guardians team in town, a roller derby club, leading
people to ask whether the #Indians have done their homework.

 

Babylon Bee has a solution:

Problem Solved: Cleveland Indians Mascot Replaced
By Apu From The Simpsons

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Thursday, July 15, 2021

Don't Open The Door?: Babylon Bee's alternative

Following up on yesterday's blog "Don't Open The Door" when the HHS people show up to give you your vaccine jab, here's the latest from Babylon Bee:

Popular New Ejection Porch Automatically Launches
Vaccine Evangelists Into The Stratosphere


Click to embiggen or click on the link above.

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